I received the notice a few days ago from Maggie, my administrator, who told me I would be taking her place at a meeting that would be about some new computer software that we will be using to create schedules, keep more accurate and more easily accessible databases on personal staff information and the like. Hmm, "great" I said, "this is right up my alley." "Particularly why I chose you," she said.

I should have noticed the twinkle in her eye when she said several times, "Now remember Sue, you aren't just representing the department, you are representing me."

Ha, Maggie knows me all too well. As well as anyone who has known me 16 years. She knows I tend to be a bit rebellious and especially when confronted with the "power people". Especially when the "power people" consist largely of woman who'd cut your throat soon as look at you. Whose "cliques" consist largely of themselves individually. Who walk around with a rather smug attitude and think their toilet habits are different from the rest of the world's.

(sigh) I had fantasy's of this new program, of hands on involvement, perhaps even a bit of programing. Gee I could have acted real sweet.

Instead I sat at a long table, and only by accident was sitting at the head of it and receiving sideward glances from those that think they are "power people" the actual "power people" seated at the opposite end. I had to laugh for a bit. How much, I wondered, could I have gotten for my coveted end seat?

I glanced around the room and remembered the twinkle in Maggie's eye as I noticed there was not one computer but there were piles of papers everywhere.

Database information. Filling information in between lines on paper. Not one computer!!

However it was entertaining as each member vied for their "power spot", as each person attempted to shine brighter than the next.

These aren't my people. I have no gripe with them nor is there any love lost. They are not my competition. My position generally takes me into a far different realm.

Maybe I'm just getting old, or maybe I'm tired but I didn't even kick one person under the table, didn't tell one bad joke and I sure didn't get up and dance on the table. I carefully filled in the spaces between the lines on the paper. I carefully listened to the speaker explain little and more often than not grope for words to explain a new system he was apparently unfamiliar with himself.

Sorry Maggie, I know you would have liked to see one of them at the butt end of my bad humor, but I just wasn't into it today. But who knows, next Thursday is the next meeting. Either they'll have a computer there for me to play with or I may just have to start getting mean. ;-)

If nothing else, keeping this journal, this Blog, has made me examine myself and that which I do and say from a different perspective. I watch myself more closely and I reflect more, even or should I say especially in the ways in which I interact with people on a daily basis. I have learned that when I often times expose my feelings here, I more often than not on a daily basis, have superficial conversations.

So there I was at the cigarette spot (at work) having a cigarette (what else) when along comes the telephone guy. I suddenly find myself standing there engaged in absolutely inane chatter about the weather probably repeating the exact same two phrases "Yes, it sure is a beautiful day today." and "Yes this is a break from the heat of the last two days," over and over again.

Well maybe it was just me today, or the fact that it seems that in the last two days my conversations have been nothing short of this superficial chatter and I wonder if it is worth the effort at all.

The most disturbing aspect of the conversation was when he said..." Well it's July already and now the summer is just about over." sheesh, I wish he'd let me figure that out for myself. I would have gotten it eventually but I hope it would not be until at least October.

Uh oh, Blogger seems to be acting really strange. One minute my Blog was there and accessible. I posted, I hit the publish button and suddenly I had a 404 when I tried to access my page. I accessed my site files and sure 'nuf the "bloggin.html" was nowhere to be found.

Lucky for Blogger and for me there is a back-up file created, but that was really an all time weird occurrence

Dearest Friend,

I will not place your name here, because I believe that conversations are private and personal, and because I know your name and you know your name and that is all that matters. My thoughts, although in the telling are somehow not as clear as they feel, I am compelled to post here, they are for you as well.

Today I received a phone call from a friend, but until I actually heard her say that I was her friend, that she was mine, I wasn’t sure. I now feel awed, honored and blessed to have a friend who is so special.

Sometimes, we are awed by people who we do not really know. We are awed by what we see them do, what we think they know, or who we think they are. Yes it is all in the perception. ;-) It is sometimes sadly when actually confronted with the individual or when actually getting to know them, we find a measure of disappointment. It is not necessarily that we find them to be as human as we ourselves are, but we find them sometimes to be less human than we ourselves are. We find that they are not as we perceived them to be at all and we are hurt, angry or disillusioned.

That those feelings, the initial awe, the resulting disappointment, are perhaps not really valid and not entirely the fault of the individual who is the target of these feelings (perhaps we should not hold others in such high regard too easily, perhaps although we may need Gods and Goddesses it is not entirely the fault of the other that they do not live up to an unrealistic expectation), it nonetheless exists. I stand guilty.

But sometimes (I’ll remind myself next time not to start a sentence with a preposition), although it happens all too infrequently we find someone who we are sure is as we perceived them to be. Who simply shines. Whose lovely, clear and focused spirit shines and who can bury themselves way deep within our hearts and souls and leave us feeling inspired and yes, just that little bit awed. It is the person who does truly belong on the pedestal you have built for them but it is different and it is better. It is tangible, it is realistic, and it is within the spirit that you find this person with hand and heart outstretched not only willing to share that pedestal with you, but absolutely ready to pull you up upon it.

Life is awesome. Those that not only wish greatness for themselves but also truly wish it to be for all others are awesome. It is greatness of spirit and it has nothing to do with the pen or the brush. It is all about the spirit.

My friend, thank you, for sharing your pedestal with me today. Do not scoff at my compliments, yes I know you are human, but you are a beautiful human with a beautiful spirit and you are truly an inspiration. I will not tell you that you inspire me to be a better artist, although you do, but that is not as important as that you inspire me to be a better person, and that of course, is absolutely all that life is about. I so thank you for that.

Love and laughter,

Susan

I rolled out of bed and ran to the Quik Chek. I knew I was out of cream for my coffee but I didn't feel like running out late last night when I discovered it. I have to drink my coffee with light cream, not milk, not half and half, it has to be light cream...and a couple of Sweet and Low sugar substitute....not saccharin, not Equal but it has to be Sweet and Low.

I really want to run in and out because I have on the scrubs I slept in and I'm feeling kinda grungy and my hair is looking wild.

Yikes, I get up to the register and have only 2 dollars instead of the 4 dollars and 79 cents that my bill came to after I bought the cream, a cup of coffee and the newspaper. I manage to dig up another dollar + in change and now I have three dollars and 79 cents so the guy will spot me the other dollar till later.

Still I ran to the MAC because I hate to owe money, even a dollar, mostly because I am sure I'll just forget about it and look like a deadbeat.

It's way too hot outside for 8am and by now I'm feeling really grungy and when I go back to give him the dollar the line has gotten really long at the checkout.

I knew using cash on my shopping spree yesterday would get me in trouble. Next time I'll use the plastic like God intended for me to do.