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Saturday, July 15, 2000
Dear Misty,
I can't tell you what to do. If this post offends you I apologize from the bottom of my heart. Nothing I can say here will make a difference yet I am compelled to write. You spoke to me as you did to countless others when you posted at your Blog. If you were speaking to me in a group, I'd have to respond the same.
You will stay because of passion, because of obsession. Those emotions are overrated. You are too intelligent to have anything I post here be anything original to you. You have thought of it all, and your decision is made based on the fact that you think you can't live without him. You are very wrong. It is the only way you will live, without him.
You are creative, intelligent, articulate, and you have the freedom of thought. You have dreams, you have your own thoughts and your own free will. You act out of this freedom and that is a good thing. Time will pass and it will be gone. All of your passion and your creativity will be gone, stifled by fear. It will affect all other areas of your life, you will lose yourself, if not your life.
If you have too little self respect now, believe that you'd like to have more. Envision the woman you want to be and be her. You will find you are much stronger than you thought you were, and much happier than you thought you'd be. Do it now, because in time your self respect will wane and your strengths along with it.
It will get worse. But the violence will not merely be the worst part. The worst part is that you will continue to "beg" in whatever way you beg, for him to approve of you. You will continue to try to do it right, although you've done nothing wrong. You will continue to try to fix things by fixing yourself, and frankly, you are not the one that's broken...not yet. Stay and you will be, broken, like a junkyard dog who's eyes are empty and who has little independent thought except to worry about how to please him, and how not to incur his wrath. You will be the slave, he will be the master.
And then there is the other side, the side that says perhaps you enjoy it. Perhaps that is the only way you feel loved. When his feelings reach such proportion of unbridled passion, you feel a certain pleasure in being the cause.
But you know all of that Misty. You have said all of that, basically. Still I am disappointed because there is one thing that you forgot to say, one thing you didn't consider, at least not in your post.
You have a child. Think unselfishly. It's not merely your life that this effects, but the little girl who will grow up thinking that abuse is ok because her Mommy says so (even if not in so many words). You will tell her not to get involved with a man like her father, but she will. A picture IS worth a thousand words. She has way too far to go, and once she goes there, along the same path as you, you will be powerless to stop her. It will make you sick and you will wonder why it happened. You will only have to look to yourself to know. The mixed messages you give her will scar her for life.
Last but not least, yet short and sweet, if you do not respect YOURSELF now, how can you expect that others will maintain any respect for you?
Forgive me if this post is a bit rough. The subject is rough and deserves no cajoling, no sweet-talking, no pretty colors. I do not pity you, you do not deserve nor should you want any pity. You are way too intelligent, way too articulate, and have way too much to offer the world and yourself to deserve my pity. The biggest problem you have is that you don't see it and all the compliments in the world are meaningless until you believe it.
I do feel compassion for you, in your present situation, but be warned, those that will listen will only listen for so long. They cannot change things, they cannot change you, they cannot change him. It is you who must change. You can only be responsible for yourself, and your small child. The two most important people in the whole world. At this point you are as much to blame as is he. Yes, you are allowing it to happen. Stop being a co-dependent. Start being an independent.
You are a fighter. You fight for your beliefs, your standards and the underdog. Perhaps the time has come to choose your battles a bit more wisely. Now is the time to fight for yourself.
I can only pray for you.
With sincere warm wishes and hugs,
Susan
Suzn 6:02:47 PM|
Thursday, July 13, 2000
I went to Starbuck's for coffee yesterday after work. I was meeting a friend who happened to be male. Having not ever met him before, except for one phone conversation and a few e-mails I think it's a great way to break the ice. It was casual it was friendly and it wasn't a big deal.
There was some chatter, and even some conversation that went a bit deeper than chatter but there wasn't any chemistry there. I don't know for sure if I thought there would be or even hoped there would be. I'm feeling right now, not really in the "mood" for a relationship. I'm feeling comfortable with my life and perhaps that's selfish but I'm not sure I want to change it.
Then again, that chemistry is a heady little item (fondly remembers). That feeling that you do just "click" with someone...oooo, that's nice.
In any case, I love coffee, I love Starbuck's coffee and I like the atmosphere. I like the town this Starbuck's is in. I couldn't stay too long because of the dogs at home, which made it just fine. Just in time to read my favorite blogs, a couple of chapters and call it a night. ;-)
Am I getting old, or what?
Suzn 10:04:11 PM|
It's only Thursday and feels like Friday. I did finally finish the book I've been reading. Tell Me Your Dreams by Sidney Sheldon. The ending was anti-climactic. I start The Brethren by John Grisham tonight.
ewwwwwwww (post of 7.13.00)
Suzn 7:27:56 AM|
Tuesday, July 11, 2000
At the risk of sounding very sexist I had to reflect today, on the individuals I work with now, and have worked with over the years and I absolutely had to say it's a real pleasure working with a man for a change.
Having been a nurse for 26 years, and having worked most of those years in a hospital setting, the majority of the individuals I have worked with are nurses and the majority of nurses are women.
I'm sure there are many factors that enter into some of the displeasures I've encountered. Working with the sick especially in emergency settings does not lend itself to very much of a "laid back" attitude. With most all tasks being a priority and never enough individuals to accomplish them, this too does not lend itself to a "laid back" attitude. With the general population of nurses being on the "same level" there is always fierce competition. If not for a higher position, then for who will be the brightest and do the best. Those in "higher positions" are often defensive and threatened and react negatively or attempt to have a domineering attitude to keep their hold on their position. There is that need to prove themselves, in a position of administration, something that has always been a man's job. Sometimes it makes them rough.
And then there is just that woman thing. No I'm not saying it applies to all women, it's just that it does apply to many whether you want to admit it or not.
Women seem to seek attention. If not for being the best, then for being the prettiest, or the most well liked. Not all women, but it seems that among nurses it's pretty common. I have been fortunate, I think, to stay outside of the fray. Those I've had to work closely with have been some great people, some great women, but I see it around me, and sometimes it just brushes by me. I try to stay away from it but it is there.
Well the point is, I had a meeting today with the financial director of the facility that employees me. I am involved in a project that will stand to "computerize" (finally) our institution. I had missed the last meeting and met with him privately to discuss the issues.
Darn, it was so easy. He was so easy. There were no judgements, no competition. He doesn't certainly want my job, I certainly don't want his. And after the meeting, after he handed me some papers to work on, he merely said, whenever you get to it is fine.
Whenever I get to it??!!
You mean you don't want it yesterday? It's ok if it's tomorrow?
Sure he says, and then we can talk about it some more and see if we are on the right track (with the database). Please, he adds, call me with any questions or concerns.
Wait, you mean, I have a little time to breathe and I don't have to rip my hair out knowing if I call you you will scream bloody murder at me???
I finished it before I left today. Old habits die hard. But I will repeat....it's so nice working with a man.
Suzn 9:23:29 PM|
Monday, July 10, 2000
I haven't a thought in my head today. I'm so tired that my eyes feel weepy. I stayed up too late last night reading a book. "Tell Me Your Dreams" is its title by Sidney Sheldon. It is neither thought provoking, intense nor profound. It is one of those books however that reads very easily and quickly. It is suspenseful. It would probably make a decent movie. I am not particularly enamored with Sidney Sheldon's writing. I do think he can spin a yarn but his writing is pretty basic. If I sound like I'm complaining, I'm not. No one twisted my arm to stay awake until 1 am reading it.
So out of this tired head there is little of importance to say. Another Monday and the TV saga continues.
Suzn 7:43:58 PM|
Sunday, July 9, 2000
There but for the Grace of God go I.
It is something I think of daily. It is a powerful statement, it is a profound one. It is important to know, and to remember.
It means to me that we are not as powerful as we think. That although we think that we control it all, it is God who has dealt us a hand and had it not been for his grace that shines upon us, the hand may not have been a winner.
It means that each time we look at someone who is less fortunate than we are, and even entertain the thought of belittling them or looking down upon them we need to remember that we are who we are because God allowed it, not because in ourselves we are so grand.
It stops me from wishing for more when I have enough.
Yes I know, free will and all of that. I do believe in free will in a sense, and I do believe that although the hand is dealt oftentimes much of what we become is a result of how we've played the hand and the choices that we've made. I believe as well that it is with the spirit of God in your heart that you make better choices and in choosing to abandon God ones choices will deteriorate. God is goodness and thusly guides us on a righteous path. It is not about how much money one makes nor about one's possession or status in life but about who we are deep inside and how we use what God did give us.
There was a time in my youth that I stared down the wrong path, I do thank God each day that I didn't decide to walk too far along it.
I consider myself fortunate to have made the choices that I did, and I consider my life a gift by the grace of God.
Suzn 1:08:19 AM|
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