I think, if you are a woman, and childless, there are these unfulfilled maternal instincts just waiting to burst forth. Perhaps it's just me and I should speak for myself huh?

In any case, I do have a lot of nurturing instincts. It's partly why I chose my profession, it's partly why I think I am so attached to my dogs.

I think I would have made a lousy mother. I think I'm too overprotective. I don't know how I would have controlled that and allowed my children to grow. I think, sometimes, as my friends' children go off to camp, to college or to another state or country, or when they are learning to drive, or when they are independently experiencing those things that they should be independently experiencing, that if it were my child, my breath would have stopped, that perhaps I'd not be able to let them go, that I would have worried myself to a frenzy. Maybe it's different when it's really happening, maybe you adapt or maybe I'd not.

In any case, I had these particular thoughts on this particular day because Bogey had to go to the Vet for several hours to have some tests. Yes, I want to find out what is wrong, if in fact something is. I want to find out right away, and I want to fix it. the thought of leaving my sensitive pooch there for any length of time has my stomach so knotted up I can't eat, I couldn't sleep and I feel so sad.

Bogey is very sensitive. He's also very attached as is common to his breed. Chinese Shar Pei are a one person dog and Bogey represents his breed with honors. I can't explain to him that it will only be for a short time, that he will be well cared for and it is a good thing.

So earlier today, when I brought him there, and Patty, thank goodness for Patty, led him to the back room and he struggled to turn around to come back to me, I could have wrung out my heart.

I've known Patty for a long time, and Monica too. I consider them friends and really honorable and knowledgeable people. I know they are wonderful care givers. I think it's the only thing that allowed me to leave him. And of course Dr. Cameron. He is just the best.

But still, I know he will be in a cage, I know he will be in a room with sights and sounds that are foreign to him. I know that some of what they may have to do will be uncomfortable for him. It bugs me no end that I can't be with him.

Dr. Cameron teases me, he says that the cage just isn't big enough for the both of us. Believe me I'd fit if he'd let me try.

OK so I called them several times throughout the day. Just like a pest. But Bogey was doing fine, Monica told me. He was the sweetest Shar Pei they'd ever taken care of (Shar Pei's have a reputation but that's another story) and she was playing kissy-face with him. He wagged his tail each time that they had to draw his blood in fact she said his tail never stopped wagging.

He was a happy boy when I picked him up and seemed no worse for the wear, not at all. Could it be I just worry too much? Is it possible he made doggy friends and they gossiped about how overprotective, silly and uncool their "Moms" are? sigh.

The test results are back on Monday. I'll hold my breath until then. (Some Moms never learn).

It's Friday....and I am thankful. It seems this week I was pulled in too many directions. Tomorrow will prove to be a bit hectic. Bogey has to go to the Vet for a few hours, for some tests. I hate like hell to leave him there, even if it's just for a few hours. But, it has to be done.

It's freezing here. By freezing I mean in the 6o's. What's with the world anyway?.....yoooo hoooo it's July!!

But next weekend, hopefully will be great fun. If you've ever been to NJ you'd know there is a Hot Air Balloon Festival every year at a small airport here. There are hundreds of hot air balloons released at specific intervals and some are really neat. Like the Peanut Man, I always love Mr. Peanut. My cousin lives not far from the airport so each year she holds a huge party, somewhere between 50 and 75 people, as the balloons fly directly over her house. Sometimes they land in the field by her house. The year before last, two couples at the party won a ride in one of the balloons.

So Robi, thanks for having us! You know it's one of the highlights of my summer!! I can't wait.

Sometimes it's just one thing that will rock your entire world. Your foundation falls away and it feels like you're left sitting in the center of a room of which the walls have fallen down as well. I guess that's depression.

On Sunday night, by about 10pm, when I knew that whatever was ailing Bogey was not going to abate, I brought him to the emergency animal hospital not far from my home. They are open all night and I've spent many a night there. They treated Misha when she had Bloat, and I was concerned that perhaps Bogey was headed down the same path. His abdomen felt tense, he was having these episodes of coughing/retching and I wasn't going to wait any longer.

Bloat is a potentially fatal condition, usually ocurring in deep chested dogs, in which the stomach distends and then twists upon itself. The upper area and the lower area become blocked by this twisting and neither air nor food can pass in either direction. The stomach would eventually rupture. It needs immediate treatment so off I went.

Bogey's abdomen remained tense although his retching stopped, upon arrival to the hospital. The X-Rays revealed a distended abdomen but thankfully the stomach was in its proper position. He was treated with medications to relieve the distention. We went home after two hours. But something was bothering him. He remained agitated and restless during this two hours and the Vet finally decided to give him a sedative.

I didn't sleep. I watched him sleep and when he'd wake he would still do this coughing/retching thing and it made me uncomfortable. When the morning finally came I called Dr. Cameron (Bogey's regular Vet) and we went to see him.

Dr. C repeated the X-Rays. He didn't want to tell me but I kept pushing. He sends the X-Rays out to a Veterinary Radiologist to read. But there was this glaring density above the heart that he wasn't comfortable with. He finally, after I cornered him, said the word Lymphoma.

I spent the next 24 hours in tears. I waited for the Radiologist's report with much trepidation. I heard (in my head) Dr. Cameron saying "it's better if we put him down" "sorry but there is just no hope". I couldn't bear it, he's only 5 years old. I hurt to think he would suffer that way. I hurt to think I was going to lose him already.

It was my shock and disbelief when in calling Dr. C for a confirmation, and hearing him read the report, there was no mention of the density we all saw and no word even mildly associated with Lymphoma.

It wasn't until today that the actual phone conversation between the two physicians took place. Apparently the density above the heart was related to position and was in essence a "reflection" of the Aorta. It seems all in that area is ok.

The lower abdominal films however did show an enlarged prostate, which they say is probably the result of an infection (I hope). I have to bring Bogey back on Friday to have Dr. C re-examine him.

It's been a very long three days, and I am about as exhausted as anyone could be. I am still concerned but I'm relieved too. I might just sleep a little bit tonight.